Two Mothers

We have two sons through the gift of adoption.  Adoption is an amazing gift, but, can also be a painful one at times.

We have met and spent time with the woman who gave birth to Tanner.  She is a lady who loves her son but was unable to care for him.  We are thankful to be given the opportunity to be his parents and thankful to her for giving birth to him.   We are thankful to tell him about her and remind him how special he is because he's adopted.

Jian also has 2 mothers.  One of them is a woman who gave birth to him and spent about 3 months of his life with him before leaving him at a train station.  This woman gave him a name, but, one we will never know.  This woman bore him through labor and pain, for how long, we'll never know.  This woman fed him, wiped his tears, clothed him, had dreams for him, loved him, and..... abandoned him.  We will never know why she chose to do this, but, the fact that she left a note with him tells me she cared for him, that because he was deaf, she was unable to keep him.  I like to think she watched and waited (like Moses' sister Miriam did when he was put in a basket on the Nile River (see Exodus 2)), through tears until the police came to bring him to the social welfare institute.  I believe that her love for him and her knowledge of her country's beliefs about those with disabilities caused her fear for his future and led her to believe she had no choice.  Though she may have felt she had no choice, it has had, and will always have, long-lasting effects on our son.  Not only did he miss out on having his mother, but, she missed out on an amazing son.  She probably never saw him smile.  She never saw his first tooth, or heard his laugh.  She never watched him start to crawl or take his first steps, or kiss his scraped knees.  She never worried over a fever or soothed him after a nightmare.  She never saw the scared and nervous boy who's now a teenager and desperately trying to be a man.   I wonder, does she think of this boy, our son?  Does she wonder where he is now and what he's doing?  Does she realize that his life has been a difficult one because of the choices she's made?

These choices made by this woman whom we will never know, has forever changed our lives.  Because of these choices, Jian has had to grow up for 14 years without a mother.  He's had to grow up without security, without a gentle touch and without his mother's arms to sooth him.  He's had to learn to rely on himself because no one else was going to take care of him.  He's had to teach himself how to ride a bike, with no daddy holding on to the seat cheering him on.

Because of these choices, our son struggles with learning that rules mean something, that we're teaching him because we love him and want what's best for him.  He's learning he doesn't have to fight with everyone for everything, and that the things he has are truly his, no one will take them from him.  Because of these choices, his emotional development is significantly behind his physical development and we often have to remind ourselves that this 14-year-old boy is really a scared, fearful 3-year-old boy who doesn't know how to trust.

Because of these choices, our family needs to rearrange schedules and leave places and miss out on planned events, because he hasn't learned how to control his emotions or even what those emotions are or mean.

Because of these choices, we sometimes sit in his room, while I talk to these birth parents, and tell them how much he's hurting because they left him.  I tell them that he thinks they're mean for "throwing him away" and that he's had to grow up for 14 years not being taught how to act, and now it's so hard!  He is unable to talk to them, but, seems relieved that I do.  I tell them that something very good came from them leaving him there, and I'm thankful, but, so sorry for all the years he was without. Sometimes, we sit in his room and he asks me to "talk to baby Jian" and I pretend I knew him 14 years ago, and try to show him the love and care he missed out on, while he looks on longingly.

I know that our Heavenly Father had always planned for this young man to be a part of our family, and that this was part of his plan and part of his story, but, the pain that goes with it, for everyone involved, can be hard.  Thankfully, I'm reminded of Psalm 30:5b "weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."

Sometimes I stay awake and wonder, does his other mother still cry for him too?

What a survivor he is.  Jian is so fearful and yet so brave.  He's so torn and yet and so strong.  He has such a story to tell, and we're excited to see what God has planned.  I pray that his Heavenly Father, who will never let him down, will start replacing that emptiness and sadness with love and trust.  And that he comforts Jian Feng to the depths of his soul.

A Son and a Brother

Before we ever went to China, we discussed what it might be like to raise a teenager that had never lived in our home (or in any home).  We had many hopes and dreams, many fears and uncertainties.  We hoped for him to assimilate well into our family.  We hoped he would learn quickly.  We hoped he would be happy in America.  We hoped he would like having us as his family.  We hoped he would be happy to be adopted.  We hoped for many, many things.  But, we often said, the one and only thing we could really hope for and that would be the most important, above all else, is that we hoped he would come to know his Maker as his personal Lord and Savior.

Well, friends, our greatest dream has come true.  Who would have ever thought it would happen so soon, less than 5 months after being adopted.  While still learning a new language, learning to adjust to a new home, new family, new food, new country, our God has become His God.  Our Father has become his Father.  We not only have a new son, we also have a new brother in Christ.

Jian has told us that on his own, a while back, after reading "the blue book" (a Chinese Bible given to us by a friend), he asked Jesus into his heart while in bed one night.  Because he's used to being independent and not having people care about him, he didn't realize this was a big deal and something we would want to know!  We're so thrilled that God has answered our prayers.  In a much bigger way, and much sooner than we could have ever imagined.

At least weekly (and often more), Jian tells us, "I didn't know about God before, when I was in China, no one taught me about God, but, now I know He is real."  And, today, he took communion for the first time, and was able to explain what it meant and what it symbolizes.  What a special day.  What a mighty God we serve.

Our weeks in review

So, as I was sitting in the hospital Saturday, I was thinking about our past couple of weeks and all that has transpired. 

It began on Monday, January 31st.  Jon left for Hawaii to go to a conference and visit his sister and brother-in-law in Honolulu.  

Before his plane ever left I heard from school that Jian was having a rough day.  Before Jon arrived, Jian had to be picked up from school early and Tanner’s school called to let me know he had a probable ear infection.  (Nope, this wasn’t the reason we were at the hospital :)).  Jian had a rough afternoon as well and settled down after seeing Dad on Skype, safely in Hawaii.  It was rough for him not experiencing someone leave and come back, , so it was a hard time for him.  Thankfully, the rest of the week was better!

Tuesday morning I awoke at 4:30am to what sounded like the house falling down.  There was a terrible thunderstorm with winds up to 70mph!  Our neighbors had a tree uprooted in their backyard!  We had lots of branches in the yard and trash all over, but, no real damage.  My mom was supposed to come from Michigan Tuesday night, and the kids were so excited, but, there was a blizzard in Michigan and high winds in Houston, so, her flight was cancelled.

Wednesday morning, I awoke to no water.  The weather had become frigid (just in time for mom to come from up north), and despite making sure the pipes were wrapped and the water dripping, the pipes froze!  I decided to deal with it later as the boys had eye doctor appointments in Temple that morning.  They dealt with the lack of water without any problems and tolerated the four hours in the car back and forth to Temple very well!  Before leaving, I contacted our neighbor to see if they had water, they did (confirming it was our pipes).  She kindly offered to help thaw them while I was gone, so I left her my hairdryer and a small space heater that she connected to a couple of extension cords to get to the pipe in the front yard.  This was so incredibly generous of her since it was about 18 degrees outside!  We had good reports in Temple and enjoyed a nice Chinese lunch with our friend Lisa to celebrate Chinese New Year.  Upon arriving home, I heard the details that our neighbor had to endure to get our water running again!  My hairdryer overheated starting a fire in our very dry front yard covered with leaves from last fall and…..no running water.  With the help of another neighbor walking by, they put out the fire and got the water running again!  (Still, not the reason we were at the hospital).  After calling the plumber and determining what was the best option for keeping the pipes from freezing, I re-wrapped the outside pipes and kept the water running (not just dripping!) all night long.

My mom’s flight had been rescheduled for Wednesday evening & she finally arrived in College Station about 12:30am Thursday – yippee!!

Thursday was a great day!  Mom and I rested at home, enjoyed running water and heat and the boys loved having Grandma in town.  The weather was predicted to be bad on Friday, so school was scheduled for a 2 hour delay on Thursday evening, the boys were excited about this, except….Jon was supposed to be flying into Houston Friday morning. 

Friday….we woke up to beautiful snow!  There was a layer of ice underneath it so school was cancelled for the day!  This seemed like a great idea in the morning, but, by afternoon, I was wishing school was back on!  We did lots of crafts and games, but, the boys didn’t love the “sitting in front of the fire all day” idea. 

So, Jon arrived safely into Houston, but, was stuck there.  The shuttle he was to ride home was cancelled for the morning.  The roads were too bad to try to venture to Houston to pick him up.  The temperature was not supposed to get above freezing, so, we were trying to come up other solutions.  The afternoon shuttle was cancelled, and the roads had not improved, so, he decided to take a flight from Houston to College Station.  Around 12 hours after he flew into Houston, Jon finally arrived home.  The boys were thrilled to see their dad again!

Saturday we had a nice, warm, day.  We were able to drive to Dallas to surprise our friends’ Mike and Cathy at their 40th anniversary party!  While there Jon’s back became worse (it’s been bothering him for a while and was not great in Hawaii either), and he had a hard time riding home.  From then on, he was in bed unable to walk, sit, or stand for the next 5 days.  On Thursday, he started developing weakness and increased numbness, so, Friday afternoon he saw a neurosurgeon and Saturday morning he had surgery on a herniated disc to relieve the pressure on the nerves.  THAT was why we were in the hospital.  He was home by 1pm and was so relieved that the pain was gone.  He still has weakness and numbness (could remain for several months), so we’re praying that it will dissipate, and that it will happen soon. 

SO, hopefully we’ll be back to our regular programming soon, regular, more boring updates that do not include freezing weather, no water, fires or hospitals!

Some Days are Hard!

Well, as you can see by the sparse updates, I'm not on the computer much anymore these days!  Our lives continue to be full, mostly with family time! 

We enjoyed our Christmas break, but, we also enjoyed being back home and getting into a routine again! 

We've had some hard days over the last few weeks.  Thankfully they're spread out and are not one after the other.  We knew these days would come (and why wouldn't they?).  Jian has had so much to adjust to, a new country, new home, new food, new routines, new rules, new holidays, and on and on.  Some days we wonder why he seems to only focus on himself and can't see other things going on around him, then, we laugh and wonder, why would he?  He's grown up in an orphanage for 14 years and had to learn how to survive on his own!  Our friend Charity made me laugh when I was telling her about some our rough days, she joked, "well, it's his own fault, if he hadn't been so good the first 3 months....."

So, our bad days are not horrible, but, just hard.  They have involved tears, tension, anger, frustration and more.  Thankfully, Jian has always been pretty good at being able to communicate his feelings after things have settled down and is able to learn and apologize!  He really is an amazing boy!  Some days we're exhausted and tired thinking of all of the things to teach him, so many things that need to be re-learned, or taught, after growing up without a family, but, at the end of the day, I'm reminded of the great privilege it is that God has chosen us to be the family to teach him! 

These days often remind me of my behavior towards God!  I am just as much (or more) rebellious, defiant and unkind as Jian is to my Heavenly Father - and I'm so very grateful to continually be forgiven and loved!  Truthfully, Jian's hard days are much more few and far between than mine are!  There is a lot of laughter and joy that permeates our home as well.  We love to watch the boys enjoy each other and communicate so well together, it gives us special, fun memories.

Tanner has had a couple of hard weeks as well, but his have been physically.  He's had a couple of migraines, one requiring an ER visit for medication to stop the vomiting.  He used to really perk up after these visits, but, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.  He's not felt well for quite a while, but, continues to live life with a smile on his face and joy in his heart.  He really loves his brother, and he continues to be a wonderful example to us of how to live with suffering!

So, thankfully, the last several days have been good ones, and we know there will be more hard ones to come, but, we're grateful for a gracious heavenly Father who helps us get through them, and gives us a brand new start each and every day, to try all over again!

Merry Christmas and our 3-month-old

We've had a wonderful Christmas (that started last weekend with Jon's family, continued this weekend with my (Shelly's) family and will end next week after we're back home with our immediate family Christmas.  It's been fun for Jian to experience all of this family time - it's been a little rough at time, learning how to be a part of a family, but, he's been adjusting so well and enjoying gifts, games, food and fun. 

We have many reasons to celebrate today, three months ago today we added a new son to our family.   We talked about it with Jian and how he was nervous and he was surprised to hear that we were nervous too! We also celebrate the birth of another son, Jesus, who was born so that he could die to save us and allow us all to be adopted into His family.  What a special and memorable day.

Merry Christmas!